Ummm.....I'm Back Again!!!!

"Its going to be really hard; we're going to have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, everyday." Noah, from The Notebook

Soooo...yet again...i was on a hiatus. But, I'M BACK!!!

Here's what I've been doing the past few months...ready...it's a doozy!

I finalized my divorce, learned to stay strong, developed an amazing new relationship with God and spirituality, started volunteering and really feeling like I'm making a difference in the world, met some amazing new girlfriends, found an apartment, furnished it, got out of debt, started dating, stopped dating, then started dating again, met a great guy, found a new job, found another new apartment, broke up with a guy, lost my faith and am now getting ready to move closer to the city, start my new job and have currently banished anything that has a penis from life.

I didn't check my blog for quite some time. So, naturally there were several emails and comments that I hadn't responded to; I will respond to your emails. Not so surprisingly, the one blog entry that keeps getting comments, questions and emails is the one on converting for love. Rather than answering all questions and concerns, let me fill you in a little closer to what has been filling my time (btw...if you can, click on one of the advertisements to the right now...help a single gal out....need new shoes =)

In addition to the job hunt, apartment hunt, get out of debt plan, volunteering, girlfriends, meditating, I met a guy. Even before dating. I met him through a girlfriend so felt a little confident that he might be normal. The first time I met him was a group event...I had my girlfriends eye him too. Then had some other friends ask around and get the dirt. Census: he's a nice guy, funny, friendly, down to earth, volunteers, doesn't drink...you'd like him. Give him a try. So, I did. Every time we hung out, we talked for hours about everything and yet nothing important. He was funny, fun and easy to be with. As time passed, my feelings grew, made sure he knew what my feelings and expectations were every step of the way. He said his feelings and expectations were the same. I was now invested. It wasn't perfect, but I was happy. And, if I had any concerns, I would talk to him and he would do his best to address my concerns or fears.

BTW, did I mention he was Muslim.

That's right....screeching halt! Hold all those horses!! Am I seriously doing this again? Have I lost my freaking mind? Clearly the answer to this is obvious - YES!! After being rejected by my husband for who I am, getting rejected by a Muslim man for who I am, am I really trying to build a relationship with another Muslim man? Again, the answer is obvious - YES! And yes, you are right....I'm a moron!

I saw the issues, concerns and fears about dating someone who is Muslim, but because I believed that things between us were easy, fun and compatible and because I had the desire to try to make things work, we would support each other and figure it out with the families. And, quite honestly, in my eyes, the other concerns weren't that relevant. I believed and still believe (amazingly throughout all this heart break) that when you care for someone and are trying to build a relationship, you have to be honest with yourself about what you're willing to compromise on and what you're not. In my case, at that point in time, there was nothing that I felt I was giving up or truely compromising. I was simply accepting this man for his amazing strengths and human faults.

Unfortunately, as is my history, my past, my luck, my kismet, my bad luck, my choice in men, my stupidity in believing in Bollywood endings...call it whatever you want...there was something else in store. After creating some precious memories, he told me with sadness, "we need to move on because my family wants a Muslim girl." Hmmmm. What do you say to that? I remember saying so many things: "Let's just try;" "please change your mind;" "how do you know they won't;" "we were happy though"...oh how my desperation and utter sadness/grief/fear of losing this man took over me. I begged him to change his mind. He was adament that he won't.

It took me a few days, but I finally accepted his decision.

I don't have closure, so I'm not going to add here what I want to say to him. But, I will tell you what I think about religion and love…since that is what so many of you have asked me about. So here is what I think:

1. If you know religion is an important part of who you are and to your family, then please don’t look at, date, consider or fool yourself about dating someone who is a different faith. You will only hurt yourself and the person that you care for. To stand by the person that you care for and support them in the face of wanting a relationship, religion and family requires a strong sense of who you are and strength to answer many questions. If you don’t think you can do it, then don’t go any further. STOP now while no one is hurt.

2. If religion is important to your family, but you can still see yourself with this person, then do the right thing, STAND UP FOR HER/HIM. It will not be an easy battle, it will be difficult for you, your partner, parents, family, siblings, grandparents and friends. It will be a long battle. Start slow. Tell you family this person is your friend and introduce them. Tell everyone that s/he makes you happy. Teach each other about the beliefs, customs and value that your families hold. Be open to learning; accept and embrace with dignity and true love. Involve your partner in your family events, customs, prayers and gatherings. Slowly introduce this person as the person you love. Address everyone’s fears. Show your families and your partners that there is a way to make this work.

3. As early as possible, as early as you can, begin to have the tough conversations with your girl/boyfriend about the role religion will have in your life. I would suggest by the second or third date (again, you should only be going on the second or third date if you have the courage to confront your family about your relationship choices). Beliefs or customs that are important to you, how your children will be raised, will there be a dominant religion in the home, customs that you wish to continue to follow and what both of you think about converting. This conversation is not about making demands, but moreso focused on what aspects of your religion and culture are important to you in your relationship, your concept of family and your future.

I once thought religion was the true definition of love. That there is nothing more pure, true or innocent as love, especially the love you learn through devotion and faith in God and through devotion and faith in the man you love. I’ve since learnt that love and religion are two very complicated factors in one person’s life. I’ve seen couples where it has worked out – Christian/Hindu; Christian/Muslim; Jewish/Christian; Sikh/Christian. It was not easy and it was a long road for my friends; but, it worked for the best. They are all happily married (who doesn't have disagreetments) with beautiful children, homes filled with love, and shared goals and values. There are reasons that these marriages work: open communication, love, understanding and acceptance, chemistry, a sense of “we” and partnership, and clear understanding of expectations for everything that is important to a person. The differences that were present didn’t matter to them because when the day is over, they are winding down with each other, their relationships are great, easy, fun & their values, beliefs and customs enmeshed on its own.

And, above all else, there was courage, desire and a want to make it work because they saw that this person was one of their answers to finding happiness.

Thoughts? Opinions? I know you have some. Post on the blog or email me at desigirlhouston@gmail.com.

Stay tuned for more of my dating woes and the lastest fashions for 2010!!