"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." - Anais Nin
The last few weeks have really pushed me to answer this question: Can boys or girls be friends? Actually, the question should read “can single adult men and women be “just friends” or are there hidden desires and intentions?
I am strong believer that men and women are capable of being “just friends”. I’m not referring to the friendship that many ask for or attempt following a break-up. I’m referring to the strictly non-sexual, trusting bond that can form between a man and a women…gender has nothing to do with the friendship. It’s a friendship based upon mutual trust, respect, understanding, shared sense of humor and values. It’s an innocent friendship that is supportive, non-judgemental and full of love.
BUT…yes, there is a big but…I’ve realized that it is not as simple for the world as it is in my mind.
I’ve always valued my friendships with my girlfriends. Its an unconditional support that families, boyfriends or husbands can never offer. As one girlfriend said today, “I would feel lonely without my girls.” I also value the companionship and support that only a man can offer. I recognize that the complexities of his love are comfort that only he can offer.
One of my favorite relationships has always been (what in my mind’s eye) has been is the innocent friendship that exists between a man and a woman. There is no romantic love or sexual attraction; it is simply a friendship that offers support, guidance and truth; a friendship that encourages both to promote the good and happiness for the other. It’s a simple friendship.
Unfortunately, society and our Desi culture dictates the expectation that men and women can not be “just friends.” There must be more. Harbhajan Mann’s first film Jee Aayun Nu had a song that describes my thoughts perfectly, Aksar Lok. (If you haven’t heard it, I strongly recommend youtubing it.). The song is simple. It asks for the two to find a name that will define their relationship so that it can be legitimized and understood by outsiders.
Take a look at our pop culture that we were raised in: Harry Met Sally; Diane and Sam from Cheers; Monica and Chandler from Friends; Maine Pyar Kiya; Hum Aapke Hai Kaun; and Parineeta. Not to mention our own Desi parents questioning if we “like” the boy that we’re studying with. So, it is no wonder that as adults it is difficult to comprehend that single men and women can be “just friends”. That a guy making small talk at the cash register is doing just that…small talk. Or, that a girl who is being friendly can be simply friendly, not flirting.
I believe adult men and women can be friends. There are just a few IFs that need to stated to lessen the confusion:
1. If they’ve known each other for years, perhaps even met in college. There seems to be no confusion about the dynamics of the friendship.
2. If neither person has no physical or sexual attraction to the other.
3. If its been clearly stated and understood that there will be no dating or sex.
I’m not being naïve about the dynamics that exist between men and women. I agree that oftentimes there is sexual tension between men and women. As one “just friend” said, 80% of the time the guy is interested in more than just friends. And, while I can’t control how others will interpret my actions or intentions, I have learnt that I need to do what I can to minimize misunderstandings so not to lose good “just friends.”
A single woman and a married woman can both interact with the same man in the exact same manner. The married woman will be seen as off the market, just being nice. The single woman will be questioned if she is flirting, leading the guys on, looking to get laid.
I recognize that as a newly single woman living alone in a city far away from her family, it will be difficult for many to understand that I’m not dating or interested in or wanting to have sex with every man that I speak with. I recognize that while I’m planning group dates for movies or arcades, that my actions may be interpreted as “interested” in one of the guys. I recognize that as independent as I am and as progressive as I’d like to think our culture is, I will always have to manage these impressions by strangers, friends and family alike until I have a man standing next to me to say “she’s with me."
While I’m not trying to minimize the complexity of the platonic friendship, what do you think? Can men and women be just friends? Post here or email me at desigirlhouston@gmail.com
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