Well, amidst the Bollywood gossip, she told me about a new singer emerging...East meets West style. I was very excited...I love seeing young Asian women break the cultural gap. And, its always nice to see a familiar brown face in a sea of white. Isn't that one of the reasons why Desi's everywhere were excited about A.R. Rahman's Oscar wins this year?
Well, as I'm getting ready to support a fellow desi, my Gf began with her ranting and raving about Tina Sugandh Tabla Girl. Based upon one interview, it was decided that Tabla Girl is a ditz, horrible singer and should be ashamed of how she exposes her body, which incidentally she does so to hide her lack of talent. WOW!! Naturally, I had to youtube this and see for myself.
After watching a few of Tabla Girl's videos, I was ashamed of my girlfriend and her ugliness. Was there a reason to spew such a strong disliking for a young woman that she had never met? Why did she judge so quickly? Why hate a desi girl for being unconventional and following her dreams? Being a desi girl, was she a desi woman hater?
I read once somewhere at sometime in some point in life, that for a desi woman, other desi women are her worst enemy. Be it family, friends, acquaintances or total strangers, I have observed and personally experienced the wrath of the desi woman – its Kali at its truest form – the stare down, gossip, back-handed compliments, gossip, criticisms, gossip, the look-over, insults and did I mention the gossip.
Desi women don’t even lay a finger on one another and yet when their mouths open its like watching the Ramayan all over again. Those tongues come at you like the arrows of Ram and Lakhsman. Ladies beware!! I personally have been called a snob, high maintenance, fat and slutty. And, this is what some desi women were able to say to my face; I can only imagine what is being said behind my back. (For those that don't know me, I'm not a snob, drink Ozarka, size 6ish and have had sex with only one man my whole life!)
Now I’m freaking out. Am I a desi woman hater? I mean, didn’t I just judge a desi girl for her poor taste in shoes with an Anarkali suit?
Why do desi women hate other desi women? Why are desi women holding other desi women back? Why ridicule, shame or belittle when a desi woman attempts to overcome barriers? Better yet, why are women ugly towards other women? I could try to understand if the hate came from religion or caste or sexual orientation. And, while this is the case sometimes, most often the hate stems from our own insecurities and low self esteem. If you consider that hate that you either experienced or gave to someone else, the realization hits that it was due to jealously or wanting something which you do not have or believe you lack.
The hate also stems from our innate competitiveness. Humans, not just desi women, have an inner desire to win. What is it that we are competing for? A career, a man, compliments? I strongly believe that even if you “win” these things, you will not feel any happier than without these. And, at some point you will find yourself searching for something else to win. Friendly competition is healthy. It is what makes you succeed in life and achieve your goals. Competition based upon making others feel bad or ashamed is not healthy for anybody. Winning a prize – fairly or ugly - does not define who you are. Who you are is based upon your beliefs, your values, your kindness, your tashaan, your soul and your heart! Not your bank account, your car, your social circle – these are things that can be replaced with other things.
In the Art of Happiness, the Dalai Lama spoke about the American peoples “comparing mind.” It is essentially the concept of ‘keeping up with the Sharmas’ even if we can’t afford the big house, the two cars, laser hair removal and the swimming pool! He encouraged readers to rather than compare ourselves to what we DON’T have, the focus should be on what we DO have – a healthy family, food on the table, a job, a roof over our heads, a car to drive.
It is the same for desi women. Rather than placing the emphasis on competing and comparing with other desi women, we should be supporting one another and our accomplishments. Research has consistently demonstrated that women of color will always be discriminated against in the workforce, so why not support the desi woman who has overcome the glass ceiling? Will that not benefit all desi women, not just her?
In 2008, Forbes magazine released the "100 Most Powerful Women" list and included Congress president Sonia Gandhi, Uttar Pradesh Chief Minister Mayawati, PepsiCo chief executive Indra K. Nooyi and Biocon founder Kiran Mazumdar-Shaw. And, let's not forget the first desi woman astronaut Kalpana Chawala. In fact, the list of desi women who have achieved the "first" title covers women in all domains - business, fashion, art, science and sports. I would assume that along their journey, they too heard the jeers and taunts from other desi women about their goals. Now we hold these women in a higher respect for the work that they have done, not only in their fields but also for opening doors for other desi women.
So to answer my earlier questions, why did my girlfriend have such a strong disliking for a young woman that she never met? Why did she judge so quickly without taking the time to listen to another interview or watch another performance? Is she a desi woman hater? I don’t know. But, she was reminded that she is an amazing woman who is not lacking anything and does not need to be compared to any desi girl because she is a one in a million gem to me.
So, I sent my girlfriend another video of Tabla Girl asking her to watch it with an open mind. This time not watching her outfit, but listening to her voice, the lyrics and the tabla. After watching the video for "Stay", she agreed that it takes true talent to sing and play tabla as is done in the video. And, that her clothes are inappropriate for a Desi role model. I guess it's hard to take all the hate out of a Desi girl.
Check out the video for yourself. Click on the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e9PQVbTFf7E&feature=PlayList&p=66B21330E52E69FD&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=7
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