Cheating Spouses - right, wrong, or complicated?

In recent weeks, there have been some interesting articles on extra-marital affairs. An article in Cosmo cited that 5% of women under the age of 35 surveyed reported that they have had an affair in the past. Another study found that one in five women have had an affairs. That’s a lot of young ladies. Has it finally happened? Have women finally become men that they can have guiltless affairs? I don’t think so. I think women are more confident, educated, independent and feel entitled to pleasures, sex and a better relationship. And, I think when women marry young, they are still learning about themselves and evolving as men. Some men can evolve with the woman and others can not.

Read the findings of a study conducted by the Janus Report on Sexual Behavior at the link below.

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/231316/survey_reports_more_women_are_having.html?cat=41

While I was reading, I had a lot of questions run through my head: are there different reasons that men and women have affairs; is there a difference between a physical or emotional affair; how common is it that people I know are having an affair; is a marriage over when one partner has an affair; are women having as many affairs as men nowadays? Is lust being confused for love? And, the one question that really intrigued me, are Desis having affairs as well?

There were so many questions that I had and no one to answer them. So I set out trying to find out. While my questions didn’t all get answered, I learned a few things through my conversations. At first, I wasn’t quite sure how I would ask Desis about affairs. But it turns it out it wasn’t that difficult of a question to ask. Maybe it was my social work training or my honesty, but people wanted to share their emotional rollercoaster – the excitement, the fear, the love, the heartbreak. The men and women I spoke with just needed someone to ask and be non-judgmental when hearing their stories.

And, it wasn’t long before they started telling me about their affairs. I heard the stories. The stories were filled with excitement, comedy, sorrow and heartbreak. The stories were filled with sadness and loneliness.

There is a difference between a physical affair and an emotional affair. A physical affair is about physical contact. It is about the three letter word – sex. Its only about two bodies – their hands, kisses, skin, touches, caresses. An emotional affair does not necessarily have to have physical contact. It is about maintaining a close, intimate, personal relationship with someone other than your spouse.

Which is worse? Having sex with or sharing an emotional connection with someone other than your partner?

My heart cried when I heard the emotional turmoil. The stories would start the same. Each would talk about their unhappy, sexless and loveless marriages, but for fear of stigma or the love of their children, they made the decision to stay and bear the unhappiness. They saw their marriage as a pair of shackles which they could not cut off.

Each of them talked about trying to be happy with what they had – good health, children, home, a career – and yet always felt an emptiness in their hearts, souls and minds. And one day, a kind soul walked into their lives and reminded them what it felt like to have a genuine smile. To breathe again. To live again. To love again. And, to be loved. One man described feeling unconditional love for her for the first time. And here began a sad love story.

I actually don’t know what else to call it for these people. Whether it’s a love story between two people or a love story to love oneself again, nevertheless it is a sad love story. While they found these beautiful moments in their lives again, it was all in secrecy and with constant fears of getting caught. One woman touched my heart when she said her fear wasn’t for her, but for him. She didn’t want to cause any problems in his life.

As the studies have reported, sex was not the catalyst for the affairs. They started because needs were not being met – love, respect, need, humor, excitement, companionship, and to be touched.

Finally, for one reason or another, the decision was made to stop the rollercoaster ride. No one seemed to have gotten off the ride without being touched.

As outsiders, it is really easy to sit and judge others who have affairs. But, have we ever considered what it must be like for these men and women? Ever thought about why they make the decision to have an affair? What compels them? The people that I have spoken with are good people in desperate situations. They love their families, their children, are hard working, kind hearted, funny, successful and have tried to live honest lives without causing pain to others. This last characteristic is ironic, yes I know.

Whether it’s a physical affair or an emotional affair, no one wins. Each of those that shared their stories believes what they did was wrong and do not wish to hurt their partners, children or families. And, I agree with them.

So, next time you read about an affair or meet someone who is having an affair, don’t just feel for the spouses that are in the dark. But, look in the eyes of the cheating partner, there is pain there too that we do not see. Or, perhaps we do not want to see.

Share your thoughts by either posting on the blog or email me at desigirlhouston@gmail.com.